Writer: Thato Rossouw
Photograph: Siphosihle Mkhwanazi
I practice what any right-minded person would refer to as layman, armchair politics – ya’ know, the type to never get me invited to be part of any ANN7 political panel – and, as a result, my understanding of the current South African political landscape is as shitty as Madam Hoarse-Voice’s claim that she was suspended from the DA because she’s White (I mean really, what the fuck is wrong with this woman?). Anyway, because of how shitty my understanding of South African politics is, whenever something major happens in the country’s politics, I draw my inspiration for the analysis of such events from the grammatically incorrect and sometimes half-baked political analyses that I usually find myself perusing through on my Facebook timeline.
So from now on, as a general rule, whenever you read anything political analysis-like from me, just know that it is nothing but a lot of horse-shit that managed to, somehow, pull out of my ass. Now, with all that being said, what did Commander Juju say last week Thursday?
But, before we go any further with this, can I please be allowed the opportunity to confess my undying fan-ness, fan-ship and just all round love for Commander Juju and his no-fuck-giving ways. I just love that guy and, as a result of his general no-fucks-given persona, he has become one of my favourite political figures of all time. I can never get enough of listening to him blab on about State-Captures, Gupta-gates, and Nkandlas, and I have become so addicted to listening to him speak that I believe that he has become my gateway drug to understanding SA politics a little better. Plus, if we put aside the fact that his overall demeanor edges uncomfortably close to that of a disgruntled son hell-bent on taking revenge on the evils done to him by his sinister father (in this case Jacob “General No-Fucks-Given” Zuma), CJ is a rather interesting political figure to follow.
Back to his Thursday speech – well, it’s more the EFF’s speech than it is his, but I’ll keep calling it his speech because … well, because I can.
Last Thursday he came out – because he is a noble and just public citizen – to give his party’s press briefing on the country’s new favourite hashtag fever: The #GuptaEmails. Again, being the lover of spice that I am, I decided to take some time off my not so busy life and watch the whole thing live on TV. My decision to watch it was taken more with the hope of seeing him go on another one of those famous blab-rant-things of his, than it was with the aim of listening to what he had to say about a bunch of emails that have gotten the country so busy that people have now forgotten that fees still haven’t fallen, and the real people who captured the state are a group of pale-faced fuck-tarts sitting comfortably in their air-conditioned offices, counting all the billions they’ve made over the years on the back of the natives of this country. So, once again, I had zero interest in the politics of the whole event, and one hundred percent interest in the spice that would come out of it.
I watched it and, all in all, I was disappointed: more so by the delivery of the speech than by the speech itself. As a matter of fact, the speech touched on some important things (the dangers of living in a country swimming in a pool of patriarchy being one of them) and was as much of a political speech as any political speech can be a political speech. Throughout it all, though, CJ just sat there, constantly fiddling with his hat, reading from a pre-written paper – which, itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing – and I wasn’t about that life. Like I said in the beginning, I didn’t sit down to listen to him read; I sat down to listen to him blab. I know I know, that makes me sound like an ignorant and disconnected dimwit, but I can’t help it when it comes to CJ. And, to be honest, his past speeches were so much of Zuma-this and ANC-that rants that I had stopped seriously listening to him a long time ago.
Anyway, my affection for his animated speeches hasn’t made me ignorant to CJ’s political prowess, though. I mean, the man and his friends – because that’s exactly what they are – have managed to build from scratch a strong political party that has managed to change the entire political landscape of the country, and that’s not a small feat to achieve. All I’m saying is that I like him more when he’s ranting. Can he rant some more, please?
Side note: Can we all please pray for Madam Hoarse-Voice because I honestly believe that there’s something wrong, mentally, with that White woman. But, even as you pray for her, please don’t forget that she is nothing but a racist twat who is hell bent on keeping her wrinkly fingers tightly wrapped around her ill-gotten privileges. But pray for her nonetheless.
*This piece was initially published on https://thatorossouwblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/08/julius-malema-gave-a-speech-today-and-for-once-he-wasnt-perfoming/